Why the Sex Talk should be Ongoing…
by Hannah Scholnick
The Talk, the birds and the bees…..whatever you like to call it! Inevitably this conversation will need to happen, and although it’s uncomfortable, I want to take some time to discuss its importance. Parents seem to think there is only one talk necessary to explain how sex and sexuality works. When you think about it, that’s a pretty tall order! You’re trying to fit a lifetime of wealth and information into one short conversation. On top of that, stereotypically this conversation is always awkward and uncomfortable—and forced on the child. Many young adults have cited that their parents waited until they were on a drive with them–so they couldn’t leave the car–and were forced to listen to The Talk. But because they were so uncomfortable, they were unable to hear and absorb the information given to them. Boundaries are a huge part of this discussion, if your child isn’t listening, then what’s the point in saying anything at all? Before having this discussion, I’d recommend explaining why you think it’s important, how it pertains to their life, and then asking if they feel ready to talk about it. If they don’t feel ready, you can follow up with them later, but make sure you don’t spring it on them before they can hear it. Remember, it’s totally normal for kids, teens and young adults to want this information at different times. Often, children don’t learn this in school, so it’s important to prepare them for this aspect of life thoroughly.
Parents seem to think there is only one talk necessary to explain how sex and sexuality works. When you think about it, that’s a pretty tall order! You’re trying to fit a lifetime of wealth and information into one short conversation
Once you’ve established comfortability and have received consent from your child to begin this discussion, you can start finding opportunities for learning moments. Although it’s important to sit down and discuss certain topics, it’s also great to reinforce those concepts whenever an opportunity presents itself. For instance, at Thanksgiving Aunt Debbie announces she is pregnant. Now there is a reason to bring up reproductive health and how she specifically conceived. Maybe Aunt Debbie is straight and engaged in penile vaginal sex with her husband, however it’s also important to note how two people with uteruses or two people with penises will have children as well. This is a great opportunity to be inclusive, remember—there is a danger to having one narrative. When explaining sex and sexuality, it’s always important for your child to have a well-rounded understanding. Overall, building a trusting, open relationship that invites questions is a key component of a successful ongoing sex talk.
Additionally, it’s important to acknowledge that sex, sexuality and gender identity are only one piece of your child’s entire self-image. Their values, ideas about the world, beliefs and so on are also part of who they are.
Don’t forget that the sex talk is not everything, so don’t make your child feel like sexual orientation or gender identity will define who they are. A great way to illustrate this concept is through some wisdom from Rebecca Sugar, the creator of Steven’s Universe—an animated series on Cartoon Network that has won many awards for LGBTQIA+ representation. They explain that as an adolescent coming out as bisexual, their parents reacted by saying, “it doesn’t matter, you can be with whoever you end up with.” And although their parents thought they were doing Rebecca a kindness; Rebecca explains that it’s actually super unhelpful. Saying it doesn’t matter, is approaching their sexuality within the context that it’s bad. Rebecca’s advice to parents with queer or questioning children is to be excited that your child is having this experience and to treat it like you would anyone with their first crush. Another popular phrase: “whoever you end up with is fine”, is also unhelpful because all of a sudden, all of your identity hinges on one relationship and you may rush into experiences you’re not ready to have, just so that someone will tell you who you are. So, just like dating and crushes are not representative of your child’s sexuality, the sex talk is just one piece of their wholesome self and must be ongoing because there are endless conversations to have surrounding these topics, and they are everchanging.
By the way, you can listen to Rebecca’s entire interview on the Sex Ed podcast through this link!
