If It Feels Good, Then Do It: How to Talk about Masturbation with Your Child
by Hannah Scholnick
I know what you’re thinking—talking about masturbation with my child? What could be more uncomfortable! I know it can be intimidating, but it is SO important to support your child’s sexual development. Despite this being a hot topic, masturbation is healthy for people of all genders. Historically masturbation conversations have been exclusively targeted at people with penises, but it is crucial to expand the conversation to not only people with vulvas, but everyone else on the gender and sexuality spectrum including people with neurological and physical disabilities.
Research indicates that masturbation occurs in a third of toddlers and preschoolers (Schmitt). According to Leslie M. Kantor, a professor of public health, there are even images of fetuses touching their genitals (Klass). In a study conducted by the American Academy of Pediatrics, caregivers reported the following common sexual behaviours in children aged 2-5 years old: touching genitals at home and in public, masturbating, showing their genitals to others, standing too close and attempting to look at nude people (Kellogg). It is likely your child will start masturbating earlier than you’re expecting, so be prepared!
Besides, there are many benefits to masturbation and orgasm. According to Planned Parenthood, masturbation can reduce stress, improve sleep quality and boost self-esteem and body image. Masturbation is also a form of self-soothing (Coleman). Both people with penises and people with vaginas and vulvas have numerous nerve endings that are meant to respond to stimulation. Thus, touching genitals provides comfort and can feel as centring as thumb sucking (Coleman).
Masturbation is incredibly common among children, so if your child chooses to engage, it is best to accept it as normal and healthy.
The best way to support your child during this time of self-discovery is to be realistic. Masturbation is incredibly common among children, so if your child chooses to engage, it is best to accept it as normal and healthy. However, it is important to teach them where and when it is appropriate. For instance, you may tell your child that it is okay to masturbate in their bedroom and the bathroom, but not in public or around other people. Ignoring the masturbation entirely might confuse children about where it is appropriate to masturbate. (Schmitt). By the time children become 4 or 5, they should have a better understanding of when masturbation is appropriate.
Additionally, some children with disabilities may require more specific information about social expectations and sexual etiquette. For instance, children on the autism spectrum may need an abundance of information in order to fully understand societal rules. Role-playing and discrete reminders in the moment are great ways to do so! (Bright Tots Inc).
In addition, understanding anatomy is crucial for children approaching puberty. Consider educating your child on their body and others with different genitalia than their own. It’s healthy for kids to know the right names and functions for their body parts. For instance, using the word “vulva” instead of “hoo-ha” normalizes genitals, sending a message that there is nothing wrong or weird about those parts of the body (Planned Parenthood). It is also encouraged to provide your child with age-appropriate books that they can explore on their own. Lastly, we must acknowledge the significance of parental modelling. How you react and the tone you use when explaining this information will affect how your child receives it. If you’re super uncomfortable explaining anatomy, then the child will be uncomfortable hearing it and might develop negative feelings about their body as a result.
For more tips, check out these great resources!
Works cited:
Bright Tots Inc. “Sexual Awareness and Autism.” Autism Sexual Health, Autism Sexual Misconduct, Autism Sexual Development, Bright Tots Inc, http://www.brighttots.com/Autism/Sexual_awareness_in_child.html.
Coleman, Patrick A. “6 Harsh Truths For Parents About Kids Masturbating.” Health and Science/Behavior, Fatherly, 8 Aug. 2018, https://www.fatherly.com/health-science/behavior/facts-about-boys-girls-masturbation-kids/.
Kellogg, Nancy D. “Clinical Report-The Evaluation of Sexual Behaviors in Children.” Pediatrics, American Academy of Pediatrics, 1 Sept. 2009, https://pediatrics.aappublications.org/content/124/3/992.
Klass, Perri. “Why Is Children’s Masturbation Such a Secret?” The New York Times, The New York Times, 10 Dec. 2018, https://www.nytimes.com/2018/12/10/well/family/why-is-childrens-masturbation-such-a-secret.html.
Planned Parenthood. “Masturbation: Get the Facts About Masturbation Health.” Masturbation, Planned Parenthood, https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/sex-and-relationships/masturbation.
Planned Parenthood. “Teaching My Elementary School-Aged Child About Their Body.” What Should I Teach My Elementary School-Aged Child about Their Body?, Planned Parenthood, https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/parents/elementary-school/what-should-i-teach-my-elementary-school-aged-child-about-their-.
Schmitt, Barton D. “Summit Medical Group Web Site.” Masturbation in Preschoolers, Summit Medical Group, https://www.summitmedicalgroup.com/library/pediatric_health/pa-hhgbeh_masturbation/.
