Consent and Rejection
by Hannah Scholnick
So, we’ve all heard the word consent. Mostly, people use it within the context of sexual violence. But have you thought about how it fits into the larger conversation of boundaries and rejection? When you think of your children getting rejected in life, it’s natural to fear for them and want to protect them—from the kids who don’t want to be their friend at school, or the program they apply for, or the girl they like….
Let’s take a second to focus on that girl they like. Maybe she doesn’t like them back. Your son asks her to prom, but she says no. Do you find yourself thinking, “why couldn’t she be nicer?” “would it kill her to say yes, just once?” All of sudden, you’re blaming the rejecter for the rejection instead of focusing on how your child receives the rejection. Rejection is inevitable, and how we respond to it is crucial for emotional development.
Instilling boundaries in our children from a young age is important. Allowing your four-year-old son to tell grandma he doesn’t want to hug her, teaches him that only he is allowed to decide how he shows others love. It empowers him to vocalize when he feels uncomfortable and prevents him from feeling guilty. However, it’s more difficult to consider your child as an offender.
To prevent your child from becoming the perpetrator, they need to learn to take rejection well. For instance, perhaps one day their sibling would rather see their friends than hang out with them. Instead of forcing the older sibling to bring them along, the younger brother should be guided through processing his emotions. Allow your child to sit with the feeling of rejection and accept that it feels bad. Then guide them through empathizing for the other person.
Check out this link to an article written by an educational psychologist about teaching empathy to your children!
Find more tips on dealing with and recognizing rejection below!
Recognizing rejection
- Nonverbal cues
Examples of rejection may include: leaning away from you, crossing their arms, being tense, avoiding eye contact, pushing away or trying to ignore or distract themselves (Sexual Assault Centre of Edmonton). Also, listen for tone of voice. It’s important to explain to your child that even if someone is saying the word “yes”, how they say it is truly indicative of what they mean. Someone may say yes but sound unsure, and likewise, people can say no but playfully mean yes. It can certainly get confusing, but body language and tone of voice are the real truth-tellers in these situations.
- Verbal cues
There are multiple ways for someone to show they are not interested in their words, but aside from directly saying so, they could also change the topic or make an excuse.
Dealing with Rejection
Dealing with rejection can be difficult, but it’s important to deescalate the magnitude of the situation and feel empathy for the other person. Remind your child that being rejected doesn’t mean something is wrong with them, and especially in romantic relationships, it just means it wasn’t a good fit. How would your child like to be treated if they were on the other end? This is a great illustration of the platinum rule: treat others how you want to be treated. If someone is not interested in you romantically and wants to remain, friends, then treat them as a friend!
All in all, learning consent through understanding boundaries and body language is crucial to healthy emotional development and navigating life. Instilling empathy and compassion from a young age will make your child a better person in the long run.
